In
the middle of secrecy…
The
Windows Empire defense department. A secret briefing.
The day before the next round of the 4-years old
theatrical show with the participation of
the Department of Justice (DOJ)
Speaker:
Guys, tomorrow we
will have a very important performance about how to defend our Empire’s
monopolistic rights in the court. I have to point out that the last time
you performed not as well as our boss wanted. Our boss was very upset.
For instance professor, I just asked you to say that nobody can live without
Windows; but while in court, you added to this phrase that even viruses
and worms cannot live and replicate without Windows and then proceeded
to say that because viruses with worms die in Linux environment this is
proof that Linux is bad. This happened only because our micro-secret-holes-writers
do not know how to write programs for Linux. However, now we are trying
to cultivate viruses and worms resistant to Linux, but the problem is
hackers still do not know that money can buy them, and do not take our
money yet. Because of this complication this zoo is not doing well in
Linux but we are working on it.
Professor: I do not
understand, if nobody can live without Windows and we need to prove it
tomorrow - why do we want to do the same for Linux? I mean to argue that
nobody, particularly viruses and worms, also cannot live without Linux?
Speaker: Good point, professor. According to our scenario
with DOJ we must do them a favor, because DOJ asked our boss to give a
little, tiny market-space for our competition (of course, temporarily
and on paper only). Our boss generously agreed, because this trick allows
him to pass safely around the hated antitrust law.
Now about you.
Independent Representative
from society, when I told you that Red Hat is our enemy and we need to
kill it - I meant Red Hat of Linux, and this information was strictly
for internal use. Why did you say to the jury that as it was written in
the old prophecy of the Brothers Grimm called “Little Red Riding
Hood” our Big Bad Wolf (you named it as our boss) has legal rights
to consume Red Hat? And it’s OK to do so because since that time
Little Red Riding Hood grew into big communist Red Hat and any delay with
consuming it can cause our boss big troubles with irretrievable losses?
Did you read this prophecy till the end?
The Independent Representative
from society: No, I thought that the rest is not important. May I
ask you - I guess Red Hat, I mean Little Red Riding Hood to beat up the
Big Bad Wolf at the end?
Professor: The beaten
up muzzle would be a very good finale for the Big Bad Wolf. It was much
worse …
The Independent Representative
from society: Well, if the Big Bad Wolf would not try to eat Red Hat
– what would be the end?
Professor: Little Red
Hat would live happily and our boss, beg your pardon, Big Bad Wolf would
be alive. But I also do not understand why our boss so badly wants to
commit suicide?
Speaker: No, he doesn’t.
He did not build his beautiful dream yet - The One World, The One Windows
under The One Boss. We need to find another prophecy. Our boss would love
to choose a story where somebody will conquer the world completely.
Professor: See!? I
told you that our boss has suicidal thoughts! Nobody did it, but those
who tried it – died prematurely. I think our boss is in need of serious
medical attention. We need to save his life before its too late.
Speaker: Why
are you so pessimistic, professor? Why would you not say that our boss
is the
Messiah that will save the World from Linux cancer?
The Independent Representative
from society: But it is the opposite of what was written in the prophecy
of the Brothers Grimm. It looks like the Big Bad Wolf will save the world
from Little Red Riding Hood, I mean Red Hat. I do not think that somebody
would believe that little Red Riding Hood would hurt the World.
Speaker: You are wrong.
You just do not know the new law that our boss created for the society
- for his money they must believe in everything.
The Independent Representative
from society: Oh, great. Now for our boss’s money we can buy
people’s love also? I would like to buy the love of Madonna and I
have a list of …
Speaker:
I do not know about love, but at least the bodies of the DOJ, FBI, the
government and the rest of the politicians of the world - money
of our boss surely can buy. But it should not be your concern.
We need to be well prepared for tomorrow’s show.
I
want to say that we still made mistakes and have misinterpretation.
For example … When our
boss came from Vatican with sanctified Windows, he said that now, in
Redmond, we have holy Windows. Chairman, why were you not able to
translate appropriately
the boss’s Redmond dialect of English to the common sense? You said
that the only meaning of “holy Windows” could be “glass
windows full of holes ”. And even worse – you ordered to
re-fit with glass all windows in our headquarters. It does not matter
that our
Windows have more secret holes than an open source of Swiss cheese. You
need to remember that besides well-masked holes we have a real holy
sacred
Windows operating system to pray to. Only do not ask me why our boss
did it. I do not know, but it should be for very good reasons. Maybe
God has
shortages in new bugs, aggressive worms and nasty viruses for hell? Or,
does God need to build secret holy-holes XP communications between
hell
and paradise for a new heavens’ life-show? Nobody can predict the
genius thoughts of our boss.
However …
Director of marketing, why
put a picture of our boss (thank God it wasn’t a picture of the Big
Bad Wolf) in church with the inscription: “Pray to it to save our
computers from flu”? Now we need to pay the priest a compensation
for the loss of all his parishioners. It wreaks havoc with my nervous
system because it is almost the same money as our boss pays me.
Where is that chip
maker who must say to DOJ tomorrow that without tight integration
of Internet Explorer with Windows the
industry will go back 20 years. Although, if it would happen, our
boss would be very pleased but … If you will add to that something
like: “without integrated (into Windows) Internet Explorer you will
have no choice but to start to use abacus for calculations” –
our boss won’t support your new chip in the new version of Windows.
The Independent Representative
from society: I have a question. Please, explain to me how Linux is
still alive without Internet Explorer?
Speaker: Well, when
we will have finished this show with DOJ – they won’t be alive.
I promise it.
Professor: I have an
idea. If Internet Explorer is so dangerous … Let’s sell Windows
without Internet Explorer to militaries friendly with our boss. They will
secretly install it on enemy’s computers … Enemies will turn
their computers on and bang! - no Internet Explorer there. In a few seconds
their computer industry will go back 20 years and then our military can
easily overtake them with bare hands.
Speaker: That’s
not what our boss wants …
Professor: He does
not want to help our military?
Speaker: You …
You … You … are not right.
Professor: Why?
Speaker: Because it
is true. Our boss helps only if he has 100% benefit from it. If our enemies
will stop buying Windows because of a friendly military, why should our
boss help the military? It is not a smart decision. That’s it.
Academic, where is your proof
that separation of Internet Explorer from Windows will destroy Windows
as pulling out a bottom card will destroy a house of cards?
Academic: Here it is.
(Academic shows a house of cards, pulls out a card with the picture of
Internet Explorer and the house of cards collapses).
Speaker: Excellent.
The Independent Representative
from society: Speaker, why is Apple not our primary enemy?
Speaker: Because
our boss had a bet with Apple - if Apple would survive till summer –
he would give him $25 million, port his Office and Internet Explorer
to Apple’s operating system and let Apple live, if not – our
boss would take Apple for free. Apple had won … That was the boss’s
favorite game, but who does not like gambling?
Professor: I heard
that we have other than Red Hat enemies from Linux whom we need to destroy.
I do not remember exactly all the names, but one of them starts with a
letter M, another one with a letter S …
The Independent Representative
from society: M and S, M… S…, MS … It’s Microsoft!
Speaker:
Idiot, it is Mandrake and SuSE. Where do you think your salary comes from,
ah?
The Independent Representative
from society: Oops, I am sorry.
Speaker: You will say
sorry to our boss if he will forgive you. Now, who can prove that we are
not a monopoly?
Academic: If Linux
and Netscape are still alive – the competition is doing very well.
Speaker: Yes, if we
still did not kill the remaining couple percent of competition –
we are, unfortunately, still not the monopoly, but we surely will be.
Is that clear? Now, who will prove that our products are superior to our
competition?
The Independent Representative
from society: Me! On the shelves of stores - Windows boxes are stacked
higher than Linux.
Speaker: I hope you
are right. Who else?
Academic: Because our
boss is the richest man in the world (!) – this position gave him
rights (I would say a license) to hypnotize the media and the public with
dollar signs. Therefore, everybody is informed that the best software
of any company is always ours or will be ours (that really does not matter
because nobody can resist the sweetly attractive, easy-to-bite jaws of
our boss).
Speaker: Good boy.
You know how much our boss likes to hear good stories about his enormously
huge grandeur. And you are right. Thanks to the strong arms of our boss
who is holding the industry by the neck – we are miles ahead by numbers
of pre-installed software. As for hypnotizing by dollar signs – personally
I like it. I always say to our boss –“Please, hypnotize me by
dollar signs as much as you can”.
I have to say that not everything is going smoothly according to our
scenario. I have information from reliable sources that our enemies
want to dump
our show. They want to announce a
true fact that our boss did not pay $22 billion dollars of taxes
for two years because he has friends in IRS and the
government. Any ideas how to build our defense?
Academic:
A piece of cake! I want to ask them why our boss is needed to have enemies
in IRS and the government? Of course we are friends.
Our boss always likes to say – “It is better to have paid friends
than free of charge enemies”.
Speaker: You
are the best, Academic. OK, and then I will come up in front of the
jury with
my as always brilliant speech. For the first time I honestly will say
to them – “Yes, our boss did not pay $22 billion dollars
of taxes, but instead he gave millions of dollars in donations. Although,
it is much less than my yearly salary but, I think, you should be pretty
happy with it because our boss with his connections can easily avoid
to
pay any donations at all”.
Academic: …and
that’s the indisputably perfect proof about how generous and gorgeous
our boss is. …Ah?
Speaker: I need to
admit you are a genius. And then my surprise - I convinced some of our
opponents (for a very moderate amount of money) to make a procedural mistake.
And then due to this mistake the judge will dismiss the case in our favor.
Bingo!
Our scenario is complete. I assume you have enough money from our boss
to avoid further mistakes tomorrow?
(Suddenly everybody became
silent)
In a couple of minutes The
Independent Representative from society disturbed the silence –
“How could there be enough money?”
Speaker: Oh, now I
am hearing a speech of a professor.
The
Independent Representative from society: Thank you for the promotion,
you highness. Where can I get my diploma?
Speaker: What kind
of a professor would you like to be?
The Independent Representative
from society: It does not matter.
Speaker: The only place
where you can get this kind of diploma is the Chinese space station Cheat-u-ass.
The Independent Representative
from society: China has a space station?
Speaker: It
really does not matter. For your $20 million dollars the Russians
will find
it somewhere.
The Independent Representative
from society: Will our boss pay me for the round trip?
Speaker: Nope. Only
the free diploma or one way ticket … to hell.
The Independent Representative
from society: I will think about your second free offer …
Speaker to everybody:
Well, if you guys will perform as we agreed upon - our boss won’t
cause any delays with premium money for the good services. So, go on loyal
warriors of the Big Bad Wolf, I mean our boss. You completely mixed me
up with your Little Red Brothers Grimm in a Cap of Riding Hat. Bye.
Written
by
Dr. Vladimir Gouliaev,
Sep 10.2002
New York
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